On Sexuality

“Bi-Sexual” – What Does That Really Mean?

Sexuality has to do with whom you have the ability to be attracted to. Hence, “bi-sexual” means you possess the ability to be attracted to more than one sex. Since the human race only has two sexes – that covers it.

**HOWEVER**

Does this mean that I am attracted to you?

Not necessarily. Understand first and foremost: just as a heterosexual woman isn’t automatically attracted to absolutely every male she sees, to be bisexual doesn’t automatically make you attracted to every person you see. The number of people a bisexual is attracted to isn’t inherently greater than the number of people a heterosexual person is attracted to. It just means that when you are attracted to someone in that “special” way, the sex of the person doesn’t much matter.

Does this mean that you’re attracted to your close, intimate friends of the same sex? That you cannot be emotionally, intellectually intimate with someone and not be attracted to them?

Of course it doesn’t mean any such thing ! A bisexual woman can be very close friends with another woman and have absolutely no interest in her in that “special” attraction way. Get that out of your head.

The number of people you’re attracted to doesn’t necessarily increase. So just as a “straight” (heterosexual – attracted to opposite sex only) woman can be very close friends with a male and bear no actual attraction to him…a bisexual or lesbian (attracted to same sex only) woman can be close friends with either male or female and bear no actual attraction to them. Just like heterosexuality: hey, if it’s there, it’s there…if it isn’t, it isn’t.

I’m attempting to explain my perspective on sexuality here because there seems to be a great deal of confusion out there about it – even among the very educated, the very cultured, the “I’m straight but Liberal” peeps who have tons of gay friends but never really discuss it…I am sympathetic to these misunderstandings. I can see how this is a very confusing subject when it’s just expected that everyone’s on the same page but nobody really wants to read that page out loud…

What Should I Do If My Friend Tells Me They’re Bisexual or Gay?

**commonly known as “coming out”**

While it is said true that the most common reaction is a moment’s blank stare, then run screaming from the room – this is not necessarily the kindest of reactions you could choose from. The best thing you could do is to recognize that your friend is still your friend – regardless of this new information. Sexuality does not have to be the entire defining characteristic of a person. For me, my sexuality has nothing whatsoever to do with my identity – it is simply an aspect of my person.

If My Friend “Comes Out” To Me, Does This Mean They Are Attracted To Me?

Not necessarily. That is something for you to discuss. Could be, could be not. Could be that they are simply wanting it to be out there, as a known aspect about them and not something that they have to hide. Heterosexuals tend not to hide their sexuality by being able to openly say “Wow! That guy is so hot!” (female example) and just expecting everyone else to be comfortable with this. It should be no different for a bisexual (or gay/les) in a friendship: in a “perfect” world, two female friends…one straight and one les or bi…should be able to walk down the street next to each other and pass by a woman and say “wow – I want that skirt!” and the other say “wow – I want that woman!” and everybody be fine with this.

Deeper Still:

Does Being Bisexual Mean That You Are Equally Attracted To Each Sex?

NO.

A big, fat NO at that.

Sexuality is not 50/50. It is not so easy as that! Being human beings, we are capable of quite complex things.

I find there are different types of attraction, and I have broken them down thus…as a means of better defining my own sexuality to myself – perhaps this will help you in better understanding yourself, or perhaps a friend:

Physical Attraction, Emotional Attraction, Intellectual Attraction and Spiritual Attraction.

My own sexuality defines like this:

I have a tendency to be Physically, Emotionally, Intellectually and sometimes Spiritually attracted to women.

I have a tendency to be Physically, Intellectually, and sometimes Spiritually attracted to men.

What Does This “have a tendency” Stuff Mean?

It means that I am more often attracted in more ways to females than to males…HOWEVER…does this mean it doesn’t happen that I can fall for a male? Of course it doesn’t! I can still be attracted emotionally to a particular male, I just have a more frequent tendency toward emotional attraction to females.

O.K. – So You’re A Lesbian Then, Right?

NO. It really is quite offensive to be called a lesbian if you’re a bisexual woman (or gay if you’re a bisexual male)…why? Not because we have anything against lesbians (hey – we love them!), but because it’s cutting off a part of our sexuality. It’s like saying “You can’t be attracted to Brad Pitt” – but Brad Pitt is sexy!! Don’t block me in by trying to make my bisexuality a mono-sexuality just for your own convenience. Just because I’m not 50/50 attracted in all ways to both sexes doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to both sexes. If I were more often attracted to males in all ways than females, but still attracted to females…I would be just as peeved to be called heterosexual if it doesn’t fit.

My Bisexual Friend Julie Got Married To Some Guy, So She’s Straight Now.

NO, actually – she isn’t. She is still bisexual. Your sexuality is not defined by who you happen to be with at any given time…it is defined by whom you have the ability to be attracted to. Yes, this IS a biological thing. You cannot be “made” to be gay or les if it just isn’t in you at all – being surrounded by gay friends may make you somewhat curious…but it’s not going to make you gay if you’re just not. Not even if they bite. ;)

Oh – My – Gawed…I’m A Woman And I Was Once Really Attracted To This Female Friend Of Mine…I Wanted To Kiss Her! Does This Mean I’m Gay?!?

No. It means you were once attracted to a female friend of yours, and you wanted to kiss her. Hey, maybe you even wanted to have sex with her. Go for it. Hey, maybe you did. Does this mean anything? No. It means nothing at all. I’m not saying the experience didn’t mean anything – I’m saying the label doesn’t mean anything.


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3 Responses to “On Sexuality”

  1. Excellent. I fully agree.

  2. Actually, the human race has more than one sex, both emotionally and medically. Medicine recognizes five physiologically, and three genetically, though the genetics for a true hermaphrodite are very rare.

    Labels are helpful in descriptions when you do not want to write a three-page essay to describe something in full and unequivocal detail.

  3. … geez that was stupid. The human race has more than *two* sexes, not more than one. I *hate* noticing errors in my posts after I post them.

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