I Love You, Man and other issues

Just got back from a matinee of “I Love You, Man” and it was very funny. But even more than that, I have to say I love the way it handled a very raw, very real issue without at all being condescending or bad about it. Displayed in the film are 1) a guy who just doesn’t make friends easily and 2) a guy who is used to having a lot of friends but now has absolutely no one to hang around with because his friends have all disappeared to calmer lives. Neither of them are bad guys…k the main lead is pretty much a big dork but a great likeable dork who’s earnesty in *trying* just makes you want to give him a break (or root for someone else to). They’re good, likable, cool people. But life is tricky.

And I completely relate to both sides. I most harshly face #2 – everyone I used to go do stuff with, hang with…has gotten married, popped out kids, moved away for their career…never to be heard from again. I’ve tried, we’ve tried, to keep it together but honestly all their conversations now completely revolve around a) if they have a baby – the baby, the diapers, the baby toys…and I understand, I really do. I am a compassionate and mature woman – I understand their lives are now forfeit, essentially, to their children. But the thing is, I have nothing to contribute to that conversation. All I can say is “Oh…huh” and “cool”. I do not relate. I don’t even want kids. I’m awe struck by them, I’m happy for them – but we do not -connect- on any point, anymore, because my life is actually still about me, and theirs is now about another, budding, life. b) if they don’t have kids, but also this thing happens when people get into a serious relationship where all they see are each other…or all they talk about is said relationship, and relationship topics. I have nothing to say. I think it’s great for them, and I’m very happy for their happiness – but I quickly get left out of the conversation. I cannot contribute. Even if I were dating someone, I’m just not that kind of person. I’ve never been.

And here is another point I found myself thinking about coming out of the film: most of society has this “agenda” and the agenda is their entire focus. I don’t. I just want to be me. I remember first coming up against this hardcore in junior high, actually, when I first moved to a school and my mother was friends with a woman who had a girl my age & grade in that school. I was still very shy at the time, and they totally did that thing where they told her she had to befriend me and toe me around. I had nothing in common with her. I most acutely remember sitting at the lunch table with her and a few of her foofy girly friends and the entire discussion was make up, hair and boys. They were completely engrossed. I pushed so hard to focus and listen but I had less than zero interest the conversation. And you just can’t fake it. Thankfully, not long after that I hit it off with some other less foofy (and thus, slightly lower on the over-all “popular” list) girls and we had a great time (playing practical jokes like nobody’s business :’)  ).

But that agenda rules most everybody, it seems: must find `the one’, must have babies, must focus on money. It’s not that I don’t have an interest in finding `the one’ of course I do – I’m a romantic sap completely, but for most people the agenda is their TOP FOCUS. Everybody they look at, they instantly try to imagine it all laid out…expectations, expectations. Me? I just want to be me. I just want to have fun – and I’m not talking about hooking up. That’s the other agenda – hook up, hook up, hook up! I don’t want casual sex (Gasp! I know I know… very shocking). If I’m not into you I’m sorry but I’m just not into it…it’s no good. Trust me, it’d bad sex anyway! At least for me (and then what’s the point? LOL). If I’m not turned on by you, I’m just not. And I’m so not turned on by the thought of casual sex with a hottie like most people (men And women), are. The thought of sex itself turns on most men and women and they just hunt the room for who could fit their preset idea. S’just not my thing. I’m more of a -connections- woman. My top agenda is a blank slate. When I talk to you, I’m focused on the conversation, on you, and what I’m saying – not the agenda and how you’re matching up to it. Which is to say, I’m actually focused on how we connect, whether in a friendship or a date, how comfortably we sync, rather than anything past that moment. I’m in the moment. I can’t live a life of conversations about hair, makeup, the cute guy over there (or hot slut), or money/work.

That’s the other thing: the people in society who do not only talk about hair, makeup and hooking up… are the “geeks”, whom I do tend to know, but I also don’t share much in common with. Conversations tend to be about some technical computer programmer thing, some scifi or comic book thing, or varied other technical conversations that I also can contribute absolutely nothing to. I’ve almost nothing in common.  I love to dance, I love to drink, I love to go to movies, I love board games, I love road trips, I love nature (but am not really “outdoorsy”)… nothing in common with most people. Sure those are popular things – but only for the people who do them with The Agenda as their main topic and focus and I’m just not…flakey…enough LOL (!). I can’t fake the flake. It just doesn’t work.

So there it is. Those I *had* something in common with, have now given way to the agenda and moved on…as lives do. I am happy for them. But that also means I’m left out…and left here wanting to go Out but with no one to go out with! The younger crowd all has their own clicks and you can’t break into them…and they’re all about sex, sex, sex. Or drugs. I’m not interested in being your drug buddy, either. No thanks, I like my brain cells. Most my age are either totally relationship focused, baby/marriage subdued, or career-only monotones.

I am a very odd sort in that I have no actual “great career goal” – my greatest over all wish, my only “future” goal desire is personal growth. That’s what my life is about. Personal evolution. I am very, very passionate about this. I don’t want your fucking business suit. Not even at the price of your paycheck. Fuck no. I may as well check into my grave now. Because that’s soul-sucking. Everything seems to lead to an office of some type, a fucking suit, and there is no way I will ever sacrifice myself…the *me* that I am…to become that cardboard cutout person that everybody else seems to become. Everyone “successful”, anyway. Fine. I’ll be a poor, empty-pocketed mailclerk who dies young because I couldn’t save. I’d rather accept that fate than ever, ever, become someone -Else- – someone other than me and my personality. I will not tame myself, conform myself, to your acceptable cardboard cutout people.

And the thing about that is – that’s all fine and great for people with talent, who work in the Entertainment Industry. Yes, I’ve the personality type of someone who’s supposed to work in the entertainment industry, I know… headstrong, individualistic, unyielding, etc etc but I’m not stunningly beautiful and I was not blessed by God with a great voice or anything. I’m just goofy me. I can’t afford the schooling for the technical sides of it and do not have the connections for those blessed enough to get to just tag along and intern with a tour manager or something. So I’m a perpetually poor, unemployed mail clerk. LOL But still somehow happier that way than trying to be the career-minded business track woman, or the marriage-minded strumpet. But it means I don’t get to go dancing. (dammit).

Everybody’s life moves on because they’ve got these greater agendas. I’ve got myself and my own inner development as my agenda. I want to be -me- and have that be O.K. Love would be great, would be awesome of course I want LOVE but I’m not about trying to superimpose that image onto everyone and serial date, or end up in a bad marriage just because I was more focused on the image than the connection.

Although, back to focus on the film I saw that got me thinking and past my confessional moment – the main chick in the film was absolutely hot, though. *big grin*. Mamma mia ! She’s beautiful. She has very beautiful eyes. Of course I can l o o k – but doesn’t mean I’d jump on anything that I don’t feel a *connection* with. 8)