Mine to Keep

Posted in about Me..., Commentary on October 10, 2018 by gypsygies

One of the hardest things for people to understand or accept about me is this: I will not judge you for having a disorder. Yes, even an inner one. Even if it rips my life apart and damages me before I really know it.
Two: that fact does *not* make me weak.
People mistake my acceptance and compassion for someone not worthy of their effort, their respect, _beneath them_ because I will never turn away harshly from them. It is not weakness. It is STRENGTH. I may crack at the seams sometimes, I may stagger – but it will never weaken the strength of my compassion, my humanity, and *my* respect for all the things that I really enjoy about that person. Humanity has never meant perfection.
When my true strength is shown, some fail to treat me with human dignity and compassion because they cannot fathom that my peace and steady good nature toward them is my baring a strength, not a weakness. The fact that I am genuine is my strength of character and my heart deep and bold enough to be so. I know who I am. That is what makes me less susceptible to “gas lighting”.

My positives are mine to keep.

While others rip and tear them down, twist them into dark holes of the creepiest monsters of the night – just to get off on the drama – I understand this is an unhealthy part of their being that continually shreds their own emotional life to pieces. I comprehend that overcoming that gaping hole takes work, actual self-love over narcissism, a deep and consistent commitment to recognizing their disorder (with consistency being a problem), and yes – it takes love. In all forms. I give it freely when won and it will always be there – and *this is not a negative*. This is what society constantly complains about other people lacking – abandoning them in their troubles. It’s because I respect both within myself and within another person the truth of the traits that are positives, despite of or fighting for air from, the negatives. I keep mindful of the health they want, even as I watch them dissipate into negative black holes and lash out with their familiar “schemes” of drama and destruction. That person I knew who made me pause and look up from my life -I will always be there for. That’s a strength. That’s a positive. It’s not a negative.

Gossips and drama-filled fake “live” television addicts will push that struggling person further and further into their own self-destroying darkness – and somehow that is the world people think is “cool”. That is what I see as “yeah it’s really SAD.”. That world is unhealthy, fabricated, lecherous and draining.

This does not mean continually walking without adapting. And those who choose to remain Predators will continually seek out new & vulnerable prey to be in their company. They will target the people who seem most sweet, or isolated. They will secretly pride themselves on being `a dagger in the night’. By surrounding themselves with people who do not understand their disorder, it allows them to ignore it and deny it to themselves and remain self-destructive and negative toward all those who truly care. It allows them to not deal with it. The worst darkness of their disorder will hunger for innocence, and convince themselves that anyone who sees past it and remains positive is somehow bad for them, or is `pathetic’. It is a psychological disorder trying to defend itself – and wreaking havoc on their lives over and over in a constantly playing nightmare. That is all part of their disorder and it is horrific for them. They will seek out the kindest, the most innocent they can find and challenge themselves to do as much evil to them as possible – because they somehow want to know “what they are capable of” while simultaneously allowing it to reinforce their dark fear that they are not truly worth loving. They push themselves to be as destructive as possible to the people they actually care about. Their behavior continually hurts their family members. Yes, that is the horror of their world.

I have compassion for it. It is not pity – do not mistake. You must become the master of your own Will to be positive and healthy long enough to get & stay there. I do not pity you. I will walk beside you, welcome you and remain respectful of the positives in you. That is more strength of character and more about knowing myself than most anyone will offer in this world.

 

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on Agape.

Posted in Commentary, Religion, Spirituality & Ethics on November 4, 2011 by gypsygies

What I have discovered in this life, is that no one wants or respects something that they do not have to work for. Even from their God. That is why people have to count beads, pray facing a certain direction at certain times, spin around in circles wearing white, live according to some special creed, attend church always – the human race cannot simply accept “agape”. You must earn God’s love. You must be a specific person, strive to act according to set social rules, you must work for God’s love. If it is free for everybody, it is not worth anything. It is not respected.

So to be Agape in one’s life, is to be ostracized by the Human Race. It is against human nature to respect what is freely given. To give back, when nothing is required for the love you receive. Even from your God, you must make up stuff to do to be required for the love you receive, in order for you to respect it.

It is a strange and sad race, for this.

I have distilled…

Posted in Uncategorized on October 17, 2011 by gypsygies

I was just clearing off some stuff from my hard drive and old emails and such and came across this. This is an email I sent out to a group of friends back in Grinnell ( I think I like it b’c it’s kinda true, haha)

“SUBJECT: SLUUURP!

I am not real. I do not exist.
I am a figment of a selective group’s collective imagination.
I am the god and I am the devil — I am the mirror of a collective soul.
I have distilled the holy waters and served them up with bourbon.
I have taken a collective form from individual imaginations and distorted it to my own liking.
I have a personality which consists of collective traits from a selective group of individuals.
I am the experiment that is your conscious experience, given separate form.

Which is to say . . .

I need to test my email because it’s been giving me strange messages today. Thanks.”

love song for an insomniac

Posted in Prose-ish on October 12, 2011 by gypsygies

Sleep and breath

And the rivers wash over me

The night sky above shines every star as equal

The waters calm

The night is still

The air is cool and fresh

Sleep and dream

And let the world be silent

Sleep and slip from existence

Tonight.

5 minutes in the life of…

Posted in Commentary on August 31, 2011 by gypsygies

5 minutes in the life of…

Someone asked me to post this here, an incident from Portland, so:

The Set-Up (needed knowledge): the upstairs bathroom is diagonal from my bedroom, so I can generally tell what’s going on but it still takes a few steps to get there. The doorway to my room has a small child gate across the outside so I can have the door open and the cats stay in, the dog stays out. This is helpful information as I sometimes forget it myself.

So it’s a Saturday night and I am peacefully standing in the bathroom at the sink washing my hands when Something Unknown in the Universe causes my roommates’ “ConAir 1800” hairdryer to leap from its position on the back of the toilet: landing perfectly on the edge of the small wastebasket, turning itself on. It then proceeds to blow-dry everything which was not wet in the wastebasket. So I let it dry my hands and then I, being unfamiliar with blow dryer technology in general, attempt to turn it off. . .turning it on “High” instead which startles me which startles the dog who startles the cats who knock over Everything in the room scrambling to get away from whatever the hell they think is happening. Toby [cat] vaults off the stereo remote (which was on the bed) as he jumps across to the far side and ducks for cover. This last event causes the already playing stereo to suddenly get very, very loud. This sends me rushing across the hall to the room to turn it down and in my hurry I (of course) miss the child gate . . .tripping over it and landing with a very large THUD on the floor before crawling to the volume control. I turn it down to hear a knock on the door . . .it’s my next door neighbor wanting to know what the Hell kind of party I’ve go going on in here and I had to explain it was just the hair dryer. I don’t think she believed me. This was my first introduction to her. . .
So now our neighbor has me pegged as some partier . This is humorous because at the time both my roommates were out living-it-up while I had stayed home on a Saturday night to read.

Actually, in general, I think my roommates are becoming slightly frightened of leaving me at home alone. The one and only night they were both gone for the whole night the next-door neighbor did something to unclog their drain. That’s great, except. . .
I am sitting on the couch talking with a friend in Atlanta when I happen to notice there’s a geyser in the kitchen. Odd place for it. Whatever they did sent a column of water ( ) shooting straight up out of our drain. My mind flashed back to various The Lost Boys and Poltergeist plumbing scenes faster than I could move off the couch, thus making my first instinct to run like hell. However, I caught myself and forced myself toward the kitchen only to find a Very Large Wave swhooshing across the floor toward the laundry room to attack my basket of just washed clothes. So I had to run upstairs for towels (thus sacrificing the basket of clothes = *sigh*) for a feeble attempt to contain the situation. The “situation” laughed at me, of course. So I ended up with a large number of sopping wet towels and a new pool, fountain included. When it stopped a moment later I realized what was in the volcanic spew = ONIONS (cue: Gypsy’s ALLERGIC). After my miserable towel-containment failure I decided not to even chance getting a rash and had to leave the aftermath for the roommates. So they came home the next morning when I was sleeping to find a somewhat destroyed kitchen and a large, unexplained  bunch of soppy wet towels. They weren’t upset, just confused.
I might add that being new to the townhouse, I had no idea who to call to fix the problem, and could get no answer at the neighbor’s door. *sigh*

..

Posted in about Me... on June 4, 2011 by gypsygies

Dreamhost review

Pandora

Posted in Prose-ish on June 3, 2011 by gypsygies

Note: this is one of my favorite things that I have written…that NOBODY else ‘gets’ or likes. So I’m posting it anyway (haha). I love it (I’m not ashamed to say), don’t care that nobody else does :”)   ~ G

————————————————————————————-

Pandora’s box opens wide,
and the world springs out. . .

Cardboard boxes, plastic chairs,
and concrete buildings
fill the air
tar and asphalt everywhere.
Computers build our history
and numbers are given to you and me,
and Crime becomes our Goddess.
Creatures from beyond our mind
crawl out  from the Box to find
their own…new…Prehistory.
Shadow’s from beyond our grave
have now become our Mortal slave
…and we our folly Masters.

To shut this Box,
we kill in vain
and shout out every Mythic name
and Death becomes our enemy.
We build our castles of
glass and sand
knowing well they cannot stand
but Nature is our sin.
Pandora knew, but chose to dwell
in a modern information hell
that we, her offspring, keep.

My number is my History
and everything that I will see
of her…grand…Creation.
But why I ask, and ponder deep
was Pandora given this box to keep
with such a feeble lid?
Can it be, curiosity,
is not the sin that we perceive
but Eden in a well?
The tortures that we mass spoon-feed
are the only things our Monsters seed
but if we stop the One with heart
the other must then fall apart
and now begins…Serenity.